Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Never Trust A Telecom

Today when I woke up I was a ninja. I popped out of bed did a few quick kicks to the jugular of my enemies and finished off with a clean judo chop to open my box of cereal. It was gonna be a good day.
Armed with my trusty charmed tiki man to aid me in luck I quickly rode my green dragon of 12 Horse Powers to the wisdom well and studied the great book of ninjas past. Soon after I was off to the great and evil sanctuary of high nosed, evil snuh snuh blehchook. Sometimes referred to as school in other tongues. I quickly succumbed to the smell of stale paper and unwashed ear hair. A lesser man would have cried, " I GIVE UP!" Ho oh but not this ninja. He faced all masters with a twitch on his eye and shoes on his appendages.

But that was the past. Now I'm a rapper.
This ain't rocket science
We form a bad alliance
So shut up, get out
you great fat lout
I'm the big papa
I'm the noise stoppa
listen well to me
and soon you'll see
that I'm bad
the best you eva had

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Bountiful Rhapsody

They call me Brett Jackin
I got what you're lackin
People see me and their jaws go a slackin
Booms remind me of back in
that room with the cement floor
where I'd leave my happy face by the door
when together we'd go to the store
that was love but I don't have that anymore
watch me change through evolution
my ideas will begin a revolution
an island with my own constitution
to get away from this institution
get away from your greed
always taking more than you need
clean these streets with your white steed
to destruction you will lead
while I blow some bubbles
each one with it's respected doubles
each one floating is like my troubles
POP! and I'm free :]

Monday, October 5, 2009


I love...
falling through my dreams
basking in the warm sun beams
doin' a prank, tellin' a joke
drinkin' pop till I choke
knowing that summer is the best
realizing life is just a test
getting drenched in the rain
musing deep within my brain
teasing family with a shove
these are the things that
...I love

Monday, September 14, 2009

Shamboozle Me Twice

Yo peeps. Bata manke foshizzle. Every once in a while a boy gets a creepy girl who has no known idea who he is to like him and thus begins one long awkward day. You avoid eye contact and climb up walls to make sure you're never seen or will never have to actually...you know....talk. Shudder. Then there's the other end of the spectrum when you're the creepy guy and she's the one that puts up with you only because you're in her class and she would like your answers. Well that's too bad! You'll never get the answers! Not that I would know about this creepy boy or anything. Yeah. Alas, in the end all our efforts are pathetic wisps of smoke in a fan factory that will soon be forgotten. So I say keep your eyes up Bertha for if you don't you'll hit your head on a bar and then you'd need an ice cube which could have been better spent in a watermelon slushy from Sonic. Jerk. Why is it that all my art teachers think I'm special ed? Is it because I do upside down buildings when everyone else makes wonderful city scapes? Creative freedom teacher. Well just remember that I Am the Walrus! Emeni.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Return From Obscurity

I am in the fields of the Colorado desert looking for disease (Mr.) ridden potatoes. It's 73 degrees, humidity is 75%, the sun is at a 59 degree angle from my position. The smell of dirt, plants, and (Toad) the odd stank of an unchanged diaper envelope me in a cascade of aromas. Yes this is rouging. I am the crew boss (or more like the guy everyone likes to pretend is in charge, I just get blamed for everything) and I (danced) follow all my little rougers. Its not that great but it's my life. Having an outdoor job makes you fall in love with the outdoors apparently, but not the sun (ouch). It is out there in the field(like) where countless teenagers have lost their minds. You begin to see things, you start to say things that make no sense, and you acquire a love for eating Little Debbie's. Then the dreams come(a). Dreams that are so crazy, maniacal, absurd, and fun that you'd think you would have to be on drugs to see things like this. In (mad) these dreams you play bongos with rats while in prison, go inside a whale with the Muppets to find a amusement park inside, sit on(man) a rainbow, go on a date with Taylor Swift, have dodgeball warfare, and fall off cliffs...and survive. You get a tan like a Colombian super model(Saturday) and fall in love with water like a hillbillie with his banjo. Ah but there's the time change. Well thats it but I need one more good long sentence to finish my subliminal(night) messages. See ya another month!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Space/Time Continuum

AGH I JUST BURNED MY LEG!! Seriously! OUCH! MY LEGS BURNING LIKE MY MATH TEACHER'S EYES WHEN YOU DON'T DO HER HOMEWORK! DAFT THAT HURT! I hate working in the kitchen with a passion. Hate is a strong word. I hate hate hate working in the kitchen. I can't cook worth a snake's leg and THAT is why I must get married. Simple enough formula right? No. Because now I'm told girls love a man who can cook! STORY OF MY LIFE!

I've only said the things above because I burned my leg and can't remember what I was really gonna say. Your loss.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Tetonic Palates

Paradise is where you can take a swim anytime you want, live on a green beautiful field blanketed in a rainy day, have the peace and quiet of a home, and order pizza all in the same breath. Yeah I've been to paradise and it is oh so sweet. I've been in Utah. Okay, okay, Utah is not what paradise is but it came close for a week. Have you ever taken pictures with a random person walking down the side walk? Ever use a PB&J sandwich for Frisbee? Ever give someone a gift just because you can? Its all fun and games for a week my friends. Yet there was no caffeine so I cannot and will not live there. ANYWAY, Rumpelstiltskin was at the laundry mat and he couldn't fit his whites all in one washer so he had to purchase another washer only to have an Old Windbag come and take his quarters with a traffic cone tied to her head. With a quick jab of her highly visible cone Rumpelstiltskin went flying into 3 bears and quickly lost his wallet and dignity with one swift motion. Not seeing how the day could get any worse he ended up becoming a street dancer. He and the Robot Man in San Francisco then monopolized the street performing business and became multimillionaires. MORAL: even though things look bad right now its never too late to turn things around. Keep it up baby. Peace out. Kiss kiss, hug hug, little kiss, little hug, big hug, semi-large kiss.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Going Under

Can I get a "hoopla" for wisdom teeth?! So today I left to get those teeth way in the back of my head removed. We at first thought I only had three but apparently a itsy bitsy fourth one was in there. So I first walk in, sit down, and read Time magazine. Which, ironically, was about how insurance may not pay for anything anymore. Really soothing there secrectary ladies, whoever put that there needs a raise. As soon as I was called back I got to sit in a dentist chair and here every worst case senario played out. First they said how I might choke and die, how I could lose all feeling in my face if they touch a certain nerve (more on that later), how I could get a new hole connecting to my nose, and how I'll probably be in tons of pain afterward. I suddenly had the desire to run out the door but I couldn't act scared in front of my mom. I'd never live it down. Besides, what was the worst that could happen? Psh. Then I was latter moved to another room, hooked up to a gazillion wires and told to sit down. I became interested in the gentle beeping that was my heart beat so I tried several different tactics to make it slower or faster. I made the alarm go off when I stopped breathing so I had to quickly behave again. I made small talk and such. When the time came to get the IV my heart rate shot up when I was pushed down and had my arm tied up tight. I quickly calmed myself as the needle was stabbed into me and the assistant started dripping the medicine in. They gave me a nice little blanket and I started to notice that my heart rate was now at 51. Bam. Lights out. Now I'll have to tell you what happened from Blake Jackson's perspective.
Apparently I sat in the chair as the nurse was giving post operative instructions and I kept sticking my finger in my mouth and making horrified faces to discover blood. While still sitting down, I asked those around me where my tongue went. At one point I stuck my tongue out and tried to look for it, making a noise of some distressed animal. As soon as they put me in the wheel chair I made a cheesy grin and tried to wheel myself out of there, and said "oooh!"(think monkey). I was quickly stopped and wheeled out by the nurse lady person. She and my mom and brother stuffed me into the car, where I began a discourse of unidentifiable words... and at one point singing "Bring On the Rain". I continually kept rediscovering that my mouth was bloody, and was shocked every time. Apparently I also kept demanding to hold the cell phones, taking pictures and video of myself as well. Then I woke up and I hurt like the left side Harvey Dent's face. I thought I felt alright when we stepped into Sam's Club. I stood there listening to a man selling knives for 10 minutes and I still don' t understand a word he said. I think he was cutting a hammer. Anyway I put my head down for a bit and before I knew it I had blood gushing out of my nose and mouth! I collected it in my hand as a woman quickly walked past in horror. I tried to smile, looking like I just ate a rabbit raw, and looked over at my mom. I was rushed out before I knew what was happening then spewed blood all over my shirt. It was great. So even now as I write this my mouth is STILL numb and I can't sneeze because of a hole in my sinuses. All in all it's been a GREAT day! Lechiam!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Waldo Is At The Buffet

Timbuktu. French cheese. Semi solution. Duck Dodgers. Fishtail. Rush. Peanut. Soap. USB cable. Doorknob. Skydiving. Tropic of Cancer. Gastric Acid. Abdominal workout. Waitress. Arachnid. Curly. Goodyear tires. Best Western. Yugoslavia. Franz Ferdinand. Two. Oak. Francisco Pizarro. Pastry. Substitute teacher. Tiled ceiling. Underwater welding. 800 meter dash. Arthritis. Recall. Guide. Colorado River. Flintstones. Cambrian period. Egyptian cotton. Cinnamon. Keep this coupon. Velvet briefcase liners. Robes. Water balloon.

Monday, April 13, 2009

C'est La Vie

Alo! Zees ees Lafayette. I know, I know, you haz been expecting Snoop Chimp but he ees away for zust a little bit. So he tells me to write for him! I was all saying, "Aucune voie!" but he insisted. Américain stupide. I thought he owned he a newspauper but au contraire it was a blug! I don't evens know what zees ees! Well what do I talk about?? Hmm how do we experience déjà vu? Zat feeling you get when you stop and realize youz have done all zees before! It zeems to happen to me all ze time. Am I sensative to the paranormal structure of the universe at a whole, a force majeure, or ees my life sooo routine I experince ze same zing over and over? I might never really know. Or zometimes I experiance l'esprit de l'escalie (when you think of a smart comment AFTER the fact). Zut alors! I am late! Au revoir!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

April Fools

April Fool's Day is an excuse to lie. Yet, on this day we just get to say we lied. Yes there's also the pranks and stuff but usually people just lie. I hate it. I did it. How far should a person go on April Fool's Day? Who knows?! I'm never doing April Fool's Day ever again. Whew. Ok that was my rant of the day. I'm colorblind by the way. It doesn't mean I can't see color, it just means I get confused with certain colors. It can be inconvenient at times but it's alright. I hate it when people start asking me, "What color is this? What color is that?" Geez it gets old fast people. I think everybody else is colorblind and I'm one of the only normal people. Como no?

Monday, March 30, 2009


What do u do when you think no one's watching?? What do you do when you're bored and you think no one is watching? I think this could be a great scientific study. Lock people in a white room with nothing but a chair and desk and tell them to wait for awhile. Have secret cameras installed and presto! You have a new hit reality TV show. While today I finished a test early I realized I forgot to bring a book. So I had to entertain myself for 30 minutes without making too much noise. I put my pencils in my shoes (that made things awkward when I had to empty my shoes so I could start the 2nd part of the test), I made a song up in my head (it's copyrighted you can't have it), and tried counting all the tiles on the gymnasium's ceiling (326). When I finally looked around I found out several people were looking at me as if I had an octopus sucking my brain out through my ear. This got me to wondering what other people do so I started watching other people as they waited. Some read, some make strange noises (sue me), and some just stare at nothing in particular without blinking for a few minutes. So if by some chance you're a big Hollywood producer and you read this I want a 10% cut. Peace.


Friday, March 20, 2009


O the joy of federal car license place thingies. Crabby old men, more old men who don't speak English, and nervous children ready to break down and cry at the first sign of trouble. It's just enough to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well I recently had the HONOR of trying to get my license today. It had to be the 5th most wonderful thing I've done in my life. First I walk in dramatically, slowly remove my aviator glasses, look around before setting my eyes on a man who seriously needs to go to Disney World. He had the audacity to ask if he could help me. That's when I lost control of the situation. I kind of murmur "yes" then give him my papers. He asks if I'm ready. Heh, like I had a choice. So I walk out the door with him, I even held the door open for the dude, and we proceed to the silver car that would determine my future. We get in... I notice he smells kinda funky... I put on the seat belt, adjust the mirrors, and then finally start the car. I back out without killing someone and leave. All's going well until a certain intersection. I go across but just then an elderly woman steps out onto the road. Well I didn't want to stop in the intersection so I inch forward as the lady walks by in slow motion, I'm still 10 feet away from her, when suddenly the crabby, weird smelling man says "YOU'RE CROWDING HER!! GEEEZ WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!! THAT WAS AN OLD LADY EVEN!!" I mutter I wasn't going to hit her, but he says I was intimidating her, I say I didn't want to stop in the middle of the road, he said I should have stayed at the stop sign, I said I didn't see her at the stop sign, he says I should pay attention. By then I decided to just shut up before I fail all together. The rest of the time he just glares and I drive without another word. When it's over he tells me I 'I BARELY pass"... the nerve of me trying to hit a pedestrian. An old lady none the less. I just stared at him with my aviator sunglasses. Seemed to shut him up, and I merrily left with a new license. As they say in some other language "हे व्हो वोर्क्स अत उन्हाप्प्य प्लेस फंड्स ब्रोकोली इन एअर."

Monday, March 2, 2009

Forced Smile

Often times I hear how rude people are. Yet, have you ever wondered if we aren't rude enough? When that person goes on and on with a speech even when it's 10 minutes past their time limit why doesn't somebody tell them to put a sock in it?! Or when a joke is stupid or gross why do we politely laugh? When somebody's underwear is showing why don't we tell them to cover up! Maybe rudeness isn't the word I'm looking for. Maybe we just need to be assertive. Or bodacious! Or derogatory! I like big words for some extravagant reason that is just preposterous. Ugh, I think I got Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (look it up I dare ya). Well I believe this scintillating light is giving me cephalalgia. Okay, arrivederci!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tu Feo Chango (Not For the Legally Blind)

Big words make us look smart. Big words make things automatically fact. Just look at the newspaper for example! We see something in big letters and we go, "GASP! HOLY COW! WOW! DAFT! THAT'S A SHAME! etc."
Yet small words we ignore as if they aren't there. In all reality these small words are what's important. We like to call this the "fine print". So now I'll show you an example of mad consumerism and the idiocy of the human population.

High speed interent is free for first half hour, regular costs will reach $99.95 per month. People who do in fact read this are not legally classified as genuises. One free piece of popcorn per person. No cash in rebate. Offer ends 2/20/09.

Those little small words are also talked in hurried/hushed tones. I wonder why that is? Do those people who read the "fine print" in commercials have to go to school for that? Maybe they were born with it or maybe it's Maybeline.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Every time you read this blog a koala hiccups. Have pity on those poor marsupials and stop reading this blog! Well since I'm writing I better write something worthwhile. Have you ever noticed hair? Hair is a dead substance that hangs on top of our heads. Sometimes we find this lifeless material attractive and while it's just dangling there we have the imagination to try to fix it into different shapes and forms. This applies to all of us, well, except if you're bald. That brings to mind another delema. Lately I've noticed how young men are starting to shave their head when their hair starts to thin. Same goes for aging men too! It's some new style or something. They just give up on hair. Bloomin' pity. Well this was a waste. Proves that I should quit blogging. GAH! CURSE YOU SAN DIEGO!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Blogs are Overrated

Well these last few weeks I've been thinking about life. Or the lack thereof. This led me to believe I shouldn't blog anymore. Go check out Blake Jackson's. Never met the dude myself but he might be a cool guy. So here's to the end of blogging, joy, and Utah women. CHEERS!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Day of Silence

Alright. So I've been reading my email and this one kid from a small town school in Colorado sent me this weird story. I think his name was....Bob? Bill? Bucky? Brent? Anyway one night he was brushing his teeth in the mirror, looked himself in the eyes, and decided he wasn't gonna talk the next day at school. As soon as that school bell rang he took his vow of silence. 1st hour when his teacher asked him his score on a quiz he walked all the way up to the front of the class and showed her his paper. When she asked him what was wrong he just mouthed the words that he can't talk. Well that got the whole class to start asking him a bunch of annoying questions about why he couldn't talk. Word got around and soon everyone was asking him why he wasn't talking. Several theories ranging from a bet, a curse by his girlfriend, lost tonsils, laryngitis, and broken heart arose to explain his vow of silence. Can't a guy just be quiet anymore? He found it strange why people would ask him why he isn't talking when they KNOW he can't asnswer them!! HE ISN'T TALKING!! idiots.. ANYWAY he got through the day with his handy notebook (Silent Joe) and a few friends. He even took part in a class debate. Without talking of course. Later he informed me about his next experiment. Going through a school day without showing emotion. That'll be a tough one. I wish you luck. Thanks. Anytime.