Sunday, June 20, 2010

Must Be 18 Or Older

To call? Or not to call? That's not even a question! For my whole childhood I have been tempted by the wonders of the world in those commercials. They promise all of life to be wonderful but then at the end they deliver those painful words: "Must be 18 or older to call". I've been heartbroken ever since. But not this day! For today I am a man! I am 18 years of age! I have the power to order the world and all it's glory through a telephone! (We'll ignore the fact that I don't have a credit card) So finally when I am alone today listening to Kids Bop 38, wrapped in my Snuggie, sipping from my 24-in-1 juicer, as hamburgers fry on my George Foreman Grill, while my Benda Roo creations lie next to my Moon Sand castle I shall finally feel like I was meant to feel. Like a MAN!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Life Is A Waterfall

HEY! You ever get so sunburned you blister?! Pretty soon you think you're liable to get skin cancer at age 18! So two days ago I saw a gnarly old dude with these wicked dreadlocks.  Who would want those? I mean they have the word DREAD in them! They must be heavy on the head! (I wonder if you pull on one a doorbell sound goes off?)  I mean dreadlocks can't smell all that wonderful! Don't you need to put peanut butter in them anyway?? Maybe it's their personal way to stick it to the man! HEY BIG BROTHER!! I DON'T NEED SHAMPOO OR PERSONAL HYGIENE!! HAVE ONE! Applause to you gnarly old dude and your testament to the freedom fighters. Stay the course brother!
I saw this and thought WHOOOAAAAAA.It was as if a bucket of heated magnesium was put in my stomach that slowly spread through my veins till I had the urge to say CHUMBAWAMBA.  Kudos to you clueless Chimp. Ya know I'm not really a Snoop Chimp type? I'm never thug enough on this blog.  So maybe I should shave my head, get some tattoos, name my son Tupac, and buy cotton candy and not eat it! Better get started. Keep it real. Thug life.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why I Hate People

Dear Vile People,

Well it's no use ignoring the elephant in the living room. I hate you and you all hate me. And someone has serious hate issues if they're putting an elephant in my house. How did it come to this? I used to be bright, beautiful, and boisterous! Then I met you. Now I'm boring, belittled, and bitter. If I try to soar to new heights of joy and wonder, you, like gravity, suck me back down to your awful canyons of sorrow. Forget it. If I had a hemorrhoid for every time I got sick of living on the same planet as you I'd have a permanent residence in the hospital. The truth of it is, you can't please everyone. But you sure can make everyone hate your stinkin guts! You annoy the crap out of me with your petty fights, trash talking, cheating, lying ways! The most grotesque part of all this is that you've been slowly chipping me away making me just like you. HA! But not anymore you sick dog lickin, cat smokin, no good, sorry excuse of a trash bag! I'm breaking up with you. I know it's hard but if I continue to look at your sick face I might go mad. It's just come down to this, let me live my life and I'll let you live yours. Live and let live.

Hoping you rot,
Snoop Chimp

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Patella Paradox

Whoa this thing is still alive? Well what do you know? Memories are fleeting but blogs are forever. Howdy all Snoop Chimp worshipers but I'm sorry I don't have much to say. Okay, that was about as sincere as Tiger Wood's apology speech (looks at paper before continuing). Winter is a cold season, almost like my 8th grade English teacher's heart! Yet you have to give it props for having it's share of beauty. Driving through the fog makes lights appear so....abstract. Sound is snuffed out by the blankets of snow that cover the ground and all seems calm. Until an 80 year old is driving home from her bingo tournament after she had a little too much sugar free punch! Then it's Dooms Day all over again! Oh, and let us not forget the beauty of frozen fingers and the frozen snot of little children on the playground. It's fantastic!
Water proof coat: $32.47. Gloves: $10.72. Hot chocolate: $1.24. Winter:PRICELESS