Sunday, June 20, 2010

Must Be 18 Or Older

To call? Or not to call? That's not even a question! For my whole childhood I have been tempted by the wonders of the world in those commercials. They promise all of life to be wonderful but then at the end they deliver those painful words: "Must be 18 or older to call". I've been heartbroken ever since. But not this day! For today I am a man! I am 18 years of age! I have the power to order the world and all it's glory through a telephone! (We'll ignore the fact that I don't have a credit card) So finally when I am alone today listening to Kids Bop 38, wrapped in my Snuggie, sipping from my 24-in-1 juicer, as hamburgers fry on my George Foreman Grill, while my Benda Roo creations lie next to my Moon Sand castle I shall finally feel like I was meant to feel. Like a MAN!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Life Is A Waterfall

HEY! You ever get so sunburned you blister?! Pretty soon you think you're liable to get skin cancer at age 18! So two days ago I saw a gnarly old dude with these wicked dreadlocks.  Who would want those? I mean they have the word DREAD in them! They must be heavy on the head! (I wonder if you pull on one a doorbell sound goes off?)  I mean dreadlocks can't smell all that wonderful! Don't you need to put peanut butter in them anyway?? Maybe it's their personal way to stick it to the man! HEY BIG BROTHER!! I DON'T NEED SHAMPOO OR PERSONAL HYGIENE!! HAVE ONE! Applause to you gnarly old dude and your testament to the freedom fighters. Stay the course brother!
I saw this and thought WHOOOAAAAAA.It was as if a bucket of heated magnesium was put in my stomach that slowly spread through my veins till I had the urge to say CHUMBAWAMBA.  Kudos to you clueless Chimp. Ya know I'm not really a Snoop Chimp type? I'm never thug enough on this blog.  So maybe I should shave my head, get some tattoos, name my son Tupac, and buy cotton candy and not eat it! Better get started. Keep it real. Thug life.