Must Be 18 Or Older

To call? Or not to call? That's not even a question! For my whole childhood I have been tempted by the wonders of the world in those commercials. They promise all of life to be wonderful but then at the end they deliver those painful words: "Must be 18 or older to call". I've been heartbroken ever since. But not this day! For today I am a man! I am 18 years of age! I have the power to order the world and all it's glory through a telephone! (We'll ignore the fact that I don't have a credit card) So finally when I am alone today listening to Kids Bop 38, wrapped in my Snuggie, sipping from my 24-in-1 juicer, as hamburgers fry on my George Foreman Grill, while my Benda Roo creations lie next to my Moon Sand castle I shall finally feel like I was meant to feel. Like a MAN!

Life Is A Waterfall

HEY! You ever get so sunburned you blister?! Pretty soon you think you're liable to get skin cancer at age 18! So two days ago I saw a gnarly old dude with these wicked dreadlocks.  Who would want those? I mean they have the word DREAD in them! They must be heavy on the head! (I wonder if you pull on one a doorbell sound goes off?)  I mean dreadlocks can't smell all that wonderful! Don't you need to put peanut butter in them anyway?? Maybe it's their personal way to stick it to the man! HEY BIG BROTHER!! I DON'T NEED SHAMPOO OR PERSONAL HYGIENE!! HAVE ONE! Applause to you gnarly old dude and your testament to the freedom fighters. Stay the course brother!

I saw this and thought WHOOOAAAAAA.It was as if a bucket of heated magnesium was put in my stomach that slowly spread through my veins till I had the urge to say CHUMBAWAMBA.  Kudos to you clueless Chimp. Ya know I'm not really a Snoop Chimp type? I'm never thug enough on this blog.  So maybe I should shave my head, get some tattoos, name my son Tupac, and buy cotton candy and not eat it! Better get started. Keep it real. Thug life.

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Why I Hate People

Dear Vile People,

Well it's no use ignoring the elephant in the living room. I hate you and you all hate me. And someone has serious hate issues if they're putting an elephant in my house. How did it come to this? I used to be bright, beautiful, and boisterous! Then I met you. Now I'm boring, belittled, and bitter. If I try to soar to new heights of joy and wonder, you, like gravity, suck me back down to your awful canyons of sorrow. Forget it. If I had a hemorrhoid for every time I got sick of living on the same planet as you I'd have a permanent residence in the hospital. The truth of it is, you can't please everyone. But you sure can make everyone hate your stinkin guts! You annoy the crap out of me with your petty fights, trash talking, cheating, lying ways! The most grotesque part of all this is that you've been slowly chipping me away making me just like you. HA! But not anymore you sick dog lickin, cat smokin, no good, sorry excuse of a trash bag! I'm breaking up with you. I know it's hard but if I continue to look at your sick face I might go mad. It's just come down to this, let me live my life and I'll let you live yours. Live and let live.

Hoping you rot,
Snoop Chimp

The Patella Paradox

Whoa this thing is still alive? Well what do you know? Memories are fleeting but blogs are forever. Howdy all Snoop Chimp worshipers but I'm sorry I don't have much to say. Okay, that was about as sincere as Tiger Wood's apology speech (looks at paper before continuing). Winter is a cold season, almost like my 8th grade English teacher's heart! Yet you have to give it props for having it's share of beauty. Driving through the fog makes lights appear so....abstract. Sound is snuffed out by the blankets of snow that cover the ground and all seems calm. Until an 80 year old is driving home from her bingo tournament after she had a little too much sugar free punch! Then it's Dooms Day all over again! Oh, and let us not forget the beauty of frozen fingers and the frozen snot of little children on the playground. It's fantastic!
Water proof coat: $32.47. Gloves: $10.72. Hot chocolate: $1.24. Winter:PRICELESS

Never Trust A Telecom

Today when I woke up I was a ninja. I popped out of bed did a few quick kicks to the jugular of my enemies and finished off with a clean judo chop to open my box of cereal. It was gonna be a good day.
Armed with my trusty charmed tiki man to aid me in luck I quickly rode my green dragon of 12 Horse Powers to the wisdom well and studied the great book of ninjas past. Soon after I was off to the great and evil sanctuary of high nosed, evil snuh snuh blehchook. Sometimes referred to as school in other tongues. I quickly succumbed to the smell of stale paper and unwashed ear hair. A lesser man would have cried, " I GIVE UP!" Ho oh but not this ninja. He faced all masters with a twitch on his eye and shoes on his appendages.

But that was the past. Now I'm a rapper.

This ain't rocket science
We form a bad alliance
So shut up, get out
you great fat lout
I'm the big papa
I'm the noise stoppa
listen well to me
and soon you'll see
that I'm bad
the best you eva had
:]

Bountiful Rhapsody

They call me Brett Jackin
I got what you're lackin
People see me and their jaws go a slackin
Booms remind me of back in
that room with the cement floor
where I'd leave my happy face by the door
when together we'd go to the store
that was love but I don't have that anymore
watch me change through evolution
my ideas will begin a revolution
an island with my own constitution
to get away from this institution
get away from your greed
always taking more than you need
clean these streets with your white steed
to destruction you will lead
while I blow some bubbles
each one with it's respected doubles
each one floating is like my troubles
POP! and I'm free :]

Crackbacked

I love...
falling through my dreams
basking in the warm sun beams
doin' a prank, tellin' a joke
drinkin' pop till I choke
knowing that summer is the best
realizing life is just a test
getting drenched in the rain
musing deep within my brain
teasing family with a shove
these are the things that
...I love

Shamboozle Me Twice

Yo peeps. Bata manke foshizzle. Every once in a while a boy gets a creepy girl who has no known idea who he is to like him and thus begins one long awkward day. You avoid eye contact and climb up walls to make sure you're never seen or will never have to actually...you know....talk. Shudder. Then there's the other end of the spectrum when you're the creepy guy and she's the one that puts up with you only because you're in her class and she would like your answers. Well that's too bad! You'll never get the answers! Not that I would know about this creepy boy or anything. Yeah. Alas, in the end all our efforts are pathetic wisps of smoke in a fan factory that will soon be forgotten. So I say keep your eyes up Bertha for if you don't you'll hit your head on a bar and then you'd need an ice cube which could have been better spent in a watermelon slushy from Sonic. Jerk. Why is it that all my art teachers think I'm special ed? Is it because I do upside down buildings when everyone else makes wonderful city scapes? Creative freedom teacher. Well just remember that I Am the Walrus! Emeni.

Return From Obscurity

I am in the fields of the Colorado desert looking for disease (Mr.) ridden potatoes. It's 73 degrees, humidity is 75%, the sun is at a 59 degree angle from my position. The smell of dirt, plants, and (Toad) the odd stank of an unchanged diaper envelope me in a cascade of aromas. Yes this is rouging. I am the crew boss (or more like the guy everyone likes to pretend is in charge, I just get blamed for everything) and I (danced) follow all my little rougers. Its not that great but it's my life. Having an outdoor job makes you fall in love with the outdoors apparently, but not the sun (ouch). It is out there in the field(like) where countless teenagers have lost their minds. You begin to see things, you start to say things that make no sense, and you acquire a love for eating Little Debbie's. Then the dreams come(a). Dreams that are so crazy, maniacal, absurd, and fun that you'd think you would have to be on drugs to see things like this. In (mad) these dreams you play bongos with rats while in prison, go inside a whale with the Muppets to find a amusement park inside, sit on(man) a rainbow, go on a date with Taylor Swift, have dodgeball warfare, and fall off cliffs...and survive. You get a tan like a Colombian super model(Saturday) and fall in love with water like a hillbillie with his banjo. Ah but there's the time change. Well thats it but I need one more good long sentence to finish my subliminal(night) messages. See ya another month!

Space/Time Continuum

AGH I JUST BURNED MY LEG!! Seriously! OUCH! MY LEGS BURNING LIKE MY MATH TEACHER'S EYES WHEN YOU DON'T DO HER HOMEWORK! DAFT THAT HURT! I hate working in the kitchen with a passion. Hate is a strong word. I hate hate hate working in the kitchen. I can't cook worth a snake's leg and THAT is why I must get married. Simple enough formula right? No. Because now I'm told girls love a man who can cook! STORY OF MY LIFE!

I've only said the things above because I burned my leg and can't remember what I was really gonna say. Your loss.

Tetonic Palates

Paradise is where you can take a swim anytime you want, live on a green beautiful field blanketed in a rainy day, have the peace and quiet of a home, and order pizza all in the same breath. Yeah I've been to paradise and it is oh so sweet. I've been in Utah. Okay, okay, Utah is not what paradise is but it came close for a week. Have you ever taken pictures with a random person walking down the side walk? Ever use a PB&J sandwich for Frisbee? Ever give someone a gift just because you can? Its all fun and games for a week my friends. Yet there was no caffeine so I cannot and will not live there. ANYWAY, Rumpelstiltskin was at the laundry mat and he couldn't fit his whites all in one washer so he had to purchase another washer only to have an Old Windbag come and take his quarters with a traffic cone tied to her head. With a quick jab of her highly visible cone Rumpelstiltskin went flying into 3 bears and quickly lost his wallet and dignity with one swift motion. Not seeing how the day could get any worse he ended up becoming a street dancer. He and the Robot Man in San Francisco then monopolized the street performing business and became multimillionaires. MORAL: even though things look bad right now its never too late to turn things around. Keep it up baby. Peace out. Kiss kiss, hug hug, little kiss, little hug, big hug, semi-large kiss.

Going Under

Can I get a "hoopla" for wisdom teeth?! So today I left to get those teeth way in the back of my head removed. We at first thought I only had three but apparently a itsy bitsy fourth one was in there. So I first walk in, sit down, and read Time magazine. Which, ironically, was about how insurance may not pay for anything anymore. Really soothing there secrectary ladies, whoever put that there needs a raise. As soon as I was called back I got to sit in a dentist chair and here every worst case senario played out. First they said how I might choke and die, how I could lose all feeling in my face if they touch a certain nerve (more on that later), how I could get a new hole connecting to my nose, and how I'll probably be in tons of pain afterward. I suddenly had the desire to run out the door but I couldn't act scared in front of my mom. I'd never live it down. Besides, what was the worst that could happen? Psh. Then I was latter moved to another room, hooked up to a gazillion wires and told to sit down. I became interested in the gentle beeping that was my heart beat so I tried several different tactics to make it slower or faster. I made the alarm go off when I stopped breathing so I had to quickly behave again. I made small talk and such. When the time came to get the IV my heart rate shot up when I was pushed down and had my arm tied up tight. I quickly calmed myself as the needle was stabbed into me and the assistant started dripping the medicine in. They gave me a nice little blanket and I started to notice that my heart rate was now at 51. Bam. Lights out. Now I'll have to tell you what happened from Blake Jackson's perspective.
Apparently I sat in the chair as the nurse was giving post operative instructions and I kept sticking my finger in my mouth and making horrified faces to discover blood. While still sitting down, I asked those around me where my tongue went. At one point I stuck my tongue out and tried to look for it, making a noise of some distressed animal. As soon as they put me in the wheel chair I made a cheesy grin and tried to wheel myself out of there, and said "oooh!"(think monkey). I was quickly stopped and wheeled out by the nurse lady person. She and my mom and brother stuffed me into the car, where I began a discourse of unidentifiable words... and at one point singing "Bring On the Rain". I continually kept rediscovering that my mouth was bloody, and was shocked every time. Apparently I also kept demanding to hold the cell phones, taking pictures and video of myself as well. Then I woke up and I hurt like the left side Harvey Dent's face. I thought I felt alright when we stepped into Sam's Club. I stood there listening to a man selling knives for 10 minutes and I still don' t understand a word he said. I think he was cutting a hammer. Anyway I put my head down for a bit and before I knew it I had blood gushing out of my nose and mouth! I collected it in my hand as a woman quickly walked past in horror. I tried to smile, looking like I just ate a rabbit raw, and looked over at my mom. I was rushed out before I knew what was happening then spewed blood all over my shirt. It was great. So even now as I write this my mouth is STILL numb and I can't sneeze because of a hole in my sinuses. All in all it's been a GREAT day! Lechiam!

Waldo Is At The Buffet

Timbuktu. French cheese. Semi solution. Duck Dodgers. Fishtail. Rush. Peanut. Soap. USB cable. Doorknob. Skydiving. Tropic of Cancer. Gastric Acid. Abdominal workout. Waitress. Arachnid. Curly. Goodyear tires. Best Western. Yugoslavia. Franz Ferdinand. Two. Oak. Francisco Pizarro. Pastry. Substitute teacher. Tiled ceiling. Underwater welding. 800 meter dash. Arthritis. Recall. Guide. Colorado River. Flintstones. Cambrian period. Egyptian cotton. Cinnamon. Keep this coupon. Velvet briefcase liners. Robes. Water balloon.

C'est La Vie

Alo! Zees ees Lafayette. I know, I know, you haz been expecting Snoop Chimp but he ees away for zust a little bit. So he tells me to write for him! I was all saying, "Aucune voie!" but he insisted. Américain stupide. I thought he owned he a newspauper but au contraire it was a blug! I don't evens know what zees ees! Well what do I talk about?? Hmm how do we experience déjà vu? Zat feeling you get when you stop and realize youz have done all zees before! It zeems to happen to me all ze time. Am I sensative to the paranormal structure of the universe at a whole, a force majeure, or ees my life sooo routine I experince ze same zing over and over? I might never really know. Or zometimes I experiance l'esprit de l'escalie (when you think of a smart comment AFTER the fact). Zut alors! I am late! Au revoir!

April Fools

April Fool's Day is an excuse to lie. Yet, on this day we just get to say we lied. Yes there's also the pranks and stuff but usually people just lie. I hate it. I did it. How far should a person go on April Fool's Day? Who knows?! I'm never doing April Fool's Day ever again. Whew. Ok that was my rant of the day. I'm colorblind by the way. It doesn't mean I can't see color, it just means I get confused with certain colors. It can be inconvenient at times but it's alright. I hate it when people start asking me, "What color is this? What color is that?" Geez it gets old fast people. I think everybody else is colorblind and I'm one of the only normal people. Como no?

L.O.L.

What do u do when you think no one's watching?? What do you do when you're bored and you think no one is watching? I think this could be a great scientific study. Lock people in a white room with nothing but a chair and desk and tell them to wait for awhile. Have secret cameras installed and presto! You have a new hit reality TV show. While today I finished a test early I realized I forgot to bring a book. So I had to entertain myself for 30 minutes without making too much noise. I put my pencils in my shoes (that made things awkward when I had to empty my shoes so I could start the 2nd part of the test), I made a song up in my head (it's copyrighted you can't have it), and tried counting all the tiles on the gymnasium's ceiling (326). When I finally looked around I found out several people were looking at me as if I had an octopus sucking my brain out through my ear. This got me to wondering what other people do so I started watching other people as they waited. Some read, some make strange noises (sue me), and some just stare at nothing in particular without blinking for a few minutes. So if by some chance you're a big Hollywood producer and you read this I want a 10% cut. Peace.

P.S.
THIS IS MY 10th POST!! PASS AROUND THE CARBONATED DRINKS!!

O.P.C.T.

O the joy of federal car license place thingies. Crabby old men, more old men who don't speak English, and nervous children ready to break down and cry at the first sign of trouble. It's just enough to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well I recently had the HONOR of trying to get my license today. It had to be the 5th most wonderful thing I've done in my life. First I walk in dramatically, slowly remove my aviator glasses, look around before setting my eyes on a man who seriously needs to go to Disney World. He had the audacity to ask if he could help me. That's when I lost control of the situation. I kind of murmur "yes" then give him my papers. He asks if I'm ready. Heh, like I had a choice. So I walk out the door with him, I even held the door open for the dude, and we proceed to the silver car that would determine my future. We get in... I notice he smells kinda funky... I put on the seat belt, adjust the mirrors, and then finally start the car. I back out without killing someone and leave. All's going well until a certain intersection. I go across but just then an elderly woman steps out onto the road. Well I didn't want to stop in the intersection so I inch forward as the lady walks by in slow motion, I'm still 10 feet away from her, when suddenly the crabby, weird smelling man says "YOU'RE CROWDING HER!! GEEEZ WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!! THAT WAS AN OLD LADY EVEN!!" I mutter I wasn't going to hit her, but he says I was intimidating her, I say I didn't want to stop in the middle of the road, he said I should have stayed at the stop sign, I said I didn't see her at the stop sign, he says I should pay attention. By then I decided to just shut up before I fail all together. The rest of the time he just glares and I drive without another word. When it's over he tells me I 'I BARELY pass"... the nerve of me trying to hit a pedestrian. An old lady none the less. I just stared at him with my aviator sunglasses. Seemed to shut him up, and I merrily left with a new license. As they say in some other language "हे व्हो वोर्क्स अत उन्हाप्प्य प्लेस फंड्स ब्रोकोली इन एअर."

Forced Smile

Often times I hear how rude people are. Yet, have you ever wondered if we aren't rude enough? When that person goes on and on with a speech even when it's 10 minutes past their time limit why doesn't somebody tell them to put a sock in it?! Or when a joke is stupid or gross why do we politely laugh? When somebody's underwear is showing why don't we tell them to cover up! Maybe rudeness isn't the word I'm looking for. Maybe we just need to be assertive. Or bodacious! Or derogatory! I like big words for some extravagant reason that is just preposterous. Ugh, I think I got Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (look it up I dare ya). Well I believe this scintillating light is giving me cephalalgia. Okay, arrivederci!

Tu Feo Chango (Not For the Legally Blind)

Big words make us look smart. Big words make things automatically fact. Just look at the newspaper for example! We see something in big letters and we go, "GASP! HOLY COW! WOW! DAFT! THAT'S A SHAME! etc."
Yet small words we ignore as if they aren't there. In all reality these small words are what's important. We like to call this the "fine print". So now I'll show you an example of mad consumerism and the idiocy of the human population.

FREE HIGH SPEED INTERNET!! EVERY ONE WHO READS THIS IS A GENUIS!!! COME EAT OUR FREE POPCORN!
High speed interent is free for first half hour, regular costs will reach $99.95 per month. People who do in fact read this are not legally classified as genuises. One free piece of popcorn per person. No cash in rebate. Offer ends 2/20/09.

Those little small words are also talked in hurried/hushed tones. I wonder why that is? Do those people who read the "fine print" in commercials have to go to school for that? Maybe they were born with it or maybe it's Maybeline.